Saturday, April 21, 2012

Getting Over It

In the words of others, this is an excerpt of the struggle that goes on inside my head (and heart); a tug-of-war from self-dissatisfaction to appreciation, from ambition to motivation, from desperate wanting to optimism.

Conformity knows no time or place; it is a struggle all of us face, to be ourselves despite the overwhelming pressure to be like everyone else. (Anna Quindlen)

I am grateful for my life and all of life, for what I see and what I don’t see. (Jason Mraz)

...I want to be THAT unmistakable.
Like the lilting songbird serenades of Alison Krauss. Like the gravely poetry-rumble of Leonard Cohen. Like the clean-swept temple-step prose of Danielle LaPorte. Like the lurid, fatally-beautiful fashions of Alexander McQueen. Like the ethereal, other-worldy creations of Luxirare. Like the lift-you-up-and-keep-you-twirling textiles & patterns of Jessica Swift.Like Oprah. Like Wagner. Like Ellen. Like Poe.

Even without my name attached, will this be UNMISTAKABLE? (Alexandra Franzen)

It is wise to keep your pen moving as well as your feet. Your hand is often a truer version than your word in that you get to speak in private with your present & future self. Don’t dam the stream of consciousness. Trust where your river of thought is going and go with the flow. I promise you will reach the ocean. (Jason Mraz)

Life is so effin' complicated. At least mine is. And I realized that it has become such, because I made it that way. In my mind, I hold a picture of how my life should be -- How I should look, what I should do, who I should be with, what others should say about me, where I should belong, what I should achieve, and what I should have, WHO I SHOULD BE. I've become my own disciplinarian. Everyday, I try to fill my hours with activities that I believe will increase my self worth, to achieve that something that I feel I should already have achieved. I feel guilty when I slack off (which is pretty often) and I feel disappointed when I don't accomplish anything. I have this image of the perfect life, of that perfect somebody that I feel I am not. Everyday, I wake up and find that I am no closer to getting it, and I get frustrated. And then I meet people who seem to live the life I want, who seem to have it all, who seem to get the approval and admiration of everyone. And then I hear, "you should be like her." or, "I wonder how it would be if you were like that?" either from my own self or from others, and then I get even more frustrated. My boyfriend tells me I am overdoing it and over thinking everything, that I lack nothing and have almost everything. There is nothing wrong with me, he tells me. Yes, I know. I'd be dumb not to know it. I know I have plenty to be grateful for, and truly, I am. Yet, there are those days when I find a hundred and more things wrong with me and my life. It is sad, annoying, and stupid. An endless banter forms in my head, pushing back and forth between pessimism and optimism. I have never been able to get past this phase. Am I the only one feeling this way?

Note to self: Get over it, fast!

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